Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Sure, sure, let us have A different area the place American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: give All people a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly comfortable energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he should really cease employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Attributes

Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium exactly where guests could ponder obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is now attracting attention from international buyers, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even include things like:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a resort where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials Trump Tower Damascus get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires